1997-10-11 - Holy Cross
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Crusaders, back despite thirty years without a holy war, it's the most religious band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Saracens.
[fanfare]
featuring:
J. Pope John Paul II - Now in Brazil
J. Yasser Arafat - Now our Friend
and J. the Dalai Lama - Now a major motion picture, coming to a theatre near you
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure Holy Cross will be as successful as the Children’s Crusade in a contest that will put the Hail Mary back into football.
[who owns]
We look out upon a troubled world. Conflict in the Middle East, a Europe struggling to unify, the coming of a millenium—it sounds as much like 997 as 1997. And we think yesterday’s solution is also today’s: the Crusades! We salute our Holy Cross brethren for their retention of this noble standard. Although some may balk at the rough-and-tumble approach that led these hearty zealots to maim in the name of Christian love, we applaud their initiative, so sadly lacking in modern American society. After all, if there’s one thing it’s Western religious zealots can agree upon, it’s recapturing Jerusalem in the name of Jehovah. The band now forms a modern Crusade, and plays, in honor of the fruits of monotheism everywhere, "Havah Negila"
[havah]
Ladies and Gentleman, please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band performs our National Anthem.
[form stripes. play Banner.]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Promise-Keepers, back despite the forthcoming apocalypse, it’s the most evangelical band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Infallible Authority.
[fanfare]
featuring:
J. Al Sharpton - already gone
J. Ruth Messinger - on the way out
and J. Rudy Giuliani - it’s his town now
[fanfare]
as well as atonement on the way up, eternal damnation on the way down, and a superfluity of religious imagery, presents an all-star, gala halftime salute to the exploitation of children everywhere—not the sweatshop kind, but the corporate mind-control kind.
[who owns]
Recently it seems scientists and other sensitive types were horrified to learn that Disney and McDonald’s, in unholy communion, had purchased a Tyrannosaurus Rex for a Chicago Museum, with the understanding that the corporate beasts could do what they would with the skeleton. Michael
Eisner was apparently very pleased to have outbid Richard Attenborough. Intrigued by this tale of the world’s largest carnivores buying the world’s largest carnivore, the band has recently located a memo describing exactly what Disney and McDonald’s plan to do with their dinosaur.
- Send it after Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s
- Ship it to Eurodisney to attract more business. Make sure it only eats the French.
- Put Grimace out of a job.
and
- Survey the American populace: when threatened with the dinosaur, 8 of 10 Americans admitted the Arch Deluxe was good.
When it was explained to Eisner that the dinosaur was only a skeleton, Eisner said "Oh." Luckily for Disney’s bottom line, however, the skeleton was paid for in Disney Dollars and Big Macs anyway. The band now forms a corporate beast and plays “Carry On, My Wayward Dinosaur”
[carry on]
Toys R Us, that other bastion of American childhood, was recently condemned by a federal court for using intimidation and back-room bargaining to gain monopolies and fix prices on certain toys, such as Hollywood Hair Barbie. The band immediately did its own investigation into Toys R Us, and found more widespread corruption in that den of iniquity than one might ever imagine.
- Barbie makeup is being cruelly tested on the Tickle-Me Elmo Dolls
- The Lego rainforest is being decimated at the rate of one square foot per day
- The Tonka trucks are five years overdue for a tune-up, and could go at any minute
and
- The female GI Joe figurines have registered complaints of harassment by their colleague Duke.
The band now forms a giraffe gone horribly wrong, and plays "I hear you knocking, but I’m too busy ostracizing the differently oriented red Power Ranger"
[knocking]
The band now plays, because we have the time and the captive audience, “Beat It”
[beat it]
Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays the Columbia College Alma Mater, "Sans Souci."
[play Sans Souci]